You read the title well. This is no click bait. Today, I share my unseen battles with oppression and depression.
Sometime last year, a 50 year old woman looked at me and said she wished she could serve God the way I did. She told me expressly she knew I wasn’t faking it.
For the records, the woman in question only sees me in church and knows no darn thing about me. I thanked her and walked away, with tear shot eyes. If only she knew the story I am about to tell you.
My first blow of emotional pain happened when I was 10. I lost my mind in the process. I stayed in the dark and wanted to be alone. I trusted no one with my thoughts. (When I write my autobiography, I will tell this story).
I started misplacing things. This moment I could have something in my hand and the next, I would comb the heavens for it. But one man knew my heart, Christ Jesus. He was the only One I trusted with my fears and midnight tears.
I remember one night kneeling beside my bed saying, Dear Lord, I know nothing about You, but I know You care about me.
Having listened to sermons from Evangelist Reinhard Bonke and Pastor Benny Hinn, I submitted my heart to the Lord Jesus Christ.
I knew little or nothing about the Holy Ghost. Along the line, I contemplated suicide.
After my childhood trauma, I read my Bible voraciously.
One night, as I settled in my secret place to study the Word, my eyes fell on one of Jesus’ most enigmatic, controversial and haunting statements:
Assuredly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, whatever blasphemies they utter, but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation (Mark 3:28-29).
I felt literally an arrow pierce my heart.
No! This cannot be in the Bible. I thought God forgave all sins. All my life as a young Christian, I had never heard anything about the UNPARDONABLE SIN.
It was strange.
My heart broke at the thought I had committed it and was eternally doomed for hell fire.
I shut my Bible immediately. Fear gripped me. My body; my throat; my sanity. This happened in 2013.
Dark clouds hung over my head as I slipped into depression. My mind was haunted day and night. I was emotionally wounded and God didn’t appear in my room to help me.
There were days I waited for God to show me His face, to explain why He let me read that verse when He knew it would alter my emotional health.
For three months, I battled with the twin brothers of oppression and depression amid suicidal thoughts.
When I knew I was losing it, I met a pastor whom I held in high esteem. He said he knew nothing about it. So I was pushed further into the dark depths of depression.
My blood pressure shot up. Was this how I was going to die AND END IN THE FIRES OF HELL?
What Happened Next?
I heard voices suggesting that I become a Muslim since God had rejected me. That was another thought I couldn’t contain. Fine, even if I had blasphemed against God, how could I reject the One True God who helped me during my 10 year ordeal?
How could I forget when He consistently took shifts to watch over me despite my messy past?
How could I reject Jesus and serve a strange god?
I was harassed by guilt and condemnation.
Faith was a failure.
I had been disloyal.
My bed and tears became my food.
I was in deep emotional bondage. And I suffered in silence.
But God didn’t leave my side. In the midst of my pain, He brought broken people to me to encourage. You see, that’s the irony of it.
Another way God came through for me were through three books.
a. Into the den of infidels by Lynn Copeland
b. One God, One Message by P.D. Bramsen
c. The Bible
Each of them pointed me to the true God, my Maker and Lover of my soul.
Even if I denied Jesus Christ, I wasn’t the first.
Peter saw Jesus in His glory on the mount of transfiguration yet he denied Christ.
Instead of casting him away into eternal darkness, Jesus said to him:
But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers (Luke 22:32).
How about Paul the Apostle? He acknowledged himself a blasphemer yet he wrote a huge portion of the New Testament.
I studied the book of Colossians last month. And this month, I am reading Hebrews.
How Has It Being?
God has been faithful.
Jesus’ prayers for me have helped my faith not to fail. Once in the while, the panic attacks come and throws me off balance.
The last attack I experienced was when I opted to write a review on a book a blogger friend just released. I still pointed him to reality of God and Christ, but it reminded me of a part I want to forget.
But I shield my mind with these truths:
For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and lawless deeds I will remember no more (Hebrews 8:12).
God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, of love and that of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
What You Must Know
I suffered because I failed to divide rightly, the Word of God. I understood it out of context.
And in searching for answers, I found out that my conscience is overactive-the dilemma of being a perfectionist.
If you are struggling with guilt over committing the unpardonable sin, realize it is a deceit of Satan to keep you under.
In the New Covenant, YOU ARE FORGIVEN COMPLETELY OF ALL TRESPASSES. YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMMITTING THE UNPARDONABLE SIN!
Apostle John validates this point with these words:
But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin (1 John 1:7).
ALL IS ALL- willful, generational, intentional, future, by commission, of omission, past, present and future.
I know it sounds too good to be true, but I choose to believe God’s plan than my myopic distorted idea of forgiveness.
Running away from God will plunge you further into a dark hole. God knows your struggle and isn’t mad about your doubts. Even Jesus had a doubting Thomas among His disciples.
Out of your ashes, beauty will pour forth.
That trauma will make you know God better.
You’ll see Him literally running after You through whatever means He knows will get your attention.
Through your pain, a door of hope and expectation will open for you.
Oppression and depression are real.
Surround yourself with Godly folks who are led by the Holy Ghost.
When Satan come against you with accusing thoughts, don’t argue with him. Take up your shield of faith and the sword of the Spirit.
If you haven’t received Jesus into your life, you can do so today:
Say this prayer: Heavenly Father, I acknowledge my sins, and I believe in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ to wash them away. I believed He died for me and you rose Him from the dead. I receive forgiveness in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Have you ever suffered oppression and depression? How did you deal with it?